What I want

I see people and friends around me, being in love, and I can't help thinking "That's exactly what I want out of love".

-K

Why Cuddling Should Be Mandatory

Cuddling should be mandatory for the way it makes you feel.
It's a closeness you can only know when you know your love is real.
You can hold a hand, or kiss a cheek but it never can compare,
to the scent of a man laying next to you with his fingers in your hair.

His sweet caress is magic and his smile will hypnotize,
as you fold yourself up in his arms and look into his eyes.
You've never had this feeling of complete security,
you know you're safe, locked up in his arms, and yet completely free.

It's amazing when you think of it, the true power of love.
It has the power to change you, make you docile as a dove.
But it's also cruel you remember, it can change at any time.
Oh, it doesn't matter now, he makes you feel simply divine.

You close your eyes to one last glance of his calm and sturdy face,
place your arm across his chest fitting perfectly in place.
Tonight you dream of living life perfectly at peace.
You never have to worry, not tonight atleast.

When the sun comes up you'll see him, smiling widely as you wake,
with a promise for the ages "Your heart I'll never break".

-Original Poetry by K

The Warmth of Love and New Revelations

As a college student, I know that many things will come and go in my life, and that I will change into a person I never thought I could be. However, I think the most frustrating thing that happens in college is that you become aware of love. I'm not talking about just the sweep you off your feet and ride away into the sunset kind of love, but many different kinds as well. You become aware that you can love a roommate like a sister, a sister like yourself, and you can fall in love with the wrong guy. Though all of these loves can be exciting and new, and feel more amazing than a mug of hot chocolate on a cold snowy day, they can also be cause for much hurt and anxiety and can cause your school work and friendships to suffer immensely.

Before college, I was dating a guy that, to me, was the most amazing guy anyone could ever hope for. He was the kind of guy who would tell me he couldn't come to a show I was performing in, and show up in the audience anyway just to surprise me. Many times, he had gone out of his way to care for me when I was ill, come to my house to hold me when I cried, or drive me to the hospital after I broke my toe tackling him. He was the guy that every girl dreams of, perfect in every single storybook way. I was in love with him. I knew it was love, because I got butterflies every time I saw him, my heart would race when he touched my hand, and I was never afraid of being my goofy self in front of him. Some of the things I loved about him were things people don't see until they marry someone. He would see me in the morning and still insist that I looked the best then, just climbing out of bed in my sweatpants and t-shirt. I knew he loved me too, because every time we kissed I could feel him smiling on the other side of our kiss, he supported my choice of a future career, and he supported my ideas about not having premarital sex.

He wasn't the only one doing the supporting either. He bruised his spinal cord and was in the hospital for six months, and I stayed right by him the whole time. I was a senior in high school, and my boyfriend was in the hospital being cared for by people who couldn't possible understand the immense amount of pain he was constantly feeling. I held his hand, and kissed his forehead, and brought him news and work from school. He was my everything, and I was his. Always there for each other through the hardest of times.

PERFECT was a word I heard people use to describe our relationship. People began asking us for relationship advice and telling us that when they think of the ideal high school relationship they think of us. School wide, we were considered the only high school couple that would get married and be together for the rest of their lives. Now, this entry is about love, and how I came to be in the predicament I am in right now. I would love to tell you that this story has a fairy-tale ending, and comes to a close with a kiss and a "happily ever after", but it doesn't. If it did, then there would be no reason for this long winded blog I am writing.

A few days after our senior prom and my eighteenth birthday, I got a phone call. It was a normal phone call from my boyfriend. Routine chatting and discussing, but something wasn't right. It felt off, the whole thing felt wrong, and one sided, like I was talking to myself. When I asked him what was wrong, these words proceeded to beat me upside the head from the other end of the reciever, "I just don't feel the same way anymore. I stopped loving you about 2 months ago, but I didn't know how to tell you. I don't feel the same way". I didn't know what to do with myself. My heart was imploding on itself, and breaking into a thousand tiny pieces in my chest. I've never felt pain like that ever in my life. When we were done talking, I cried, no, sobbed until my eyes burned and eventually I drifted off into a fitful sleep about the breaking of my once so confident heart.

The purpose of this story was to explain the reason I jumped into a relationship quickly after that. I was lonely, and felt unwanted after such a long time with the guy from the previous paragraphs. After that, a friend came into my life, and I showed him what it is like to have a girlfriend who actually cares. I'm ashamed of it now, but I used him as an outlet to "get back" at the boy who broke my heart. I cut my hair short, and lost my virginity, and eventually realized the reason I was in the relationship. Revenge is no reason to toy with someone's emotions, so I broke it off when I got to college. Face to face, like it should be done. It was much easier if we both had college to look forward to.

My best friend passed in and out of my life, and broke my heart again once I had thought that it was safe. In the end, I realized that I shouldn't have gotten involved with him. I had liked him for three years, and he had liked me, but when I was finally his... I wasn't what he wanted. It is not easy being told that by your best friend.

But now, that brings me to the present. After a few parties where I shamelessly made out with a few guys and left feeling fantastic and wanted with three or four new phone numbers every night, I began to feel bored. Early this morning (around three o'clock) I came to a revelation. I was happy being me, and I don't need anyone to be with. I was in love with being out of love, and the prospect of someone magically appearing to me became more hopeful than ever. I began believing in magical thoughts again, and I instantly felt as though everything was going to be all right.

If the someone I am meant to be with for a time happens to come along and find me, I'll know. There's no planning love, and certainly no predicting where it will take me. Just that, someday, I will find someone who will sweep me off my feet and make every other relationship melt away like the snow of last year.

-K

"I once knew a girl in the years of my youth,
with eyes like the summer all beauty and truth.
But in the morning I fled,
left a note and it read: 'someday you will be loved'.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret,
'cause each broken heart will eventually mend.
And as the blood runs red,
down the needle and thread,
someday you will be loved.
You'll be loved, you'll be loved like you never have known,
and the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.
You may feel alone, when you're falling asleep,
and every time tears roll down your cheek.
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet.
Someday you will be loved.
You'll be loved, you'll be loved, like you never have known,
and the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.
Someday you will be loved."
-Someday You Will Be Loved~ Death Cab For Cutie